The weather is great

That is my positive and it helped move yesterday along. Work was productive. More people signing up for the Open House on Monday... Then I moved on to my parents' house. Sat in the backyard with sisters #1,3 and niece #2 enjoying the sun and the fall foliage. Then I began my walking back and forth to "the Home". Picking up and delivering laundry, gingerale and menus from area restaurants. The location of the home works for that aspect of my life - but nothing else about it works too well for me.

Lots of discussions going on. Sister #3 pulling each visitor - sister #1, 4 and brother - aside to tell them "how the cows eat the cabbage" to use a phrase that one of my Houston bosses used. Not sure how the saying came to be, but it sounds appropriate to me in this situation. Sister #3 will be leaving today to go back to NYC until Tuesday. She wants to be back in time to get mother to her hospital cardiologist appt. Sister #1 is taking the next week off and is coming up from DC for Oct 18-23, then she will be off to her daughter's parent weekend at Smith College. At least she is not currently living in St Lucia and her daughter going to school in Florida as it would have been if this episode happened a year or so ago. Logistics seem to be working for the family right now.

Cosmic guidance for "October 11, 2008

Someone will be quite vocal in their criticism of you this weekend and, of course, your first reaction will be to make a bit of noise in their direction too. On the other hand, there is an element of truth in what they say. It might pay you to listen and learn."

I am thinking this "critique" of my performance was part of the "cabbage" talk but no one called me out directly except myself. I am taking a real look at my lack of ability to really connect with people. It is always interesting to watch other siblings come and go and interact with my parents - I really do not feel any of that emotional connection. I get sad but it is more about the situation not the people involved. I don't think I have ever expressed - on any level - any "love" for parents. But I don't think I have ever experienced what I think that emotion should be with anyone. Certainly not my ex-husband during the 16 years we were married. Certainly not in an emotional expressive way with my son - I think he knows how much I care about him, but I don't think the remoteness I put between me and the world is lost on him. Not a pretty thought process to go through two weeks before one's 56th birthday.

My son called sister #3's partner to see what time they were heading up to CT, but the fact that he would have to be in Park Slope by 9 a.m....the bus did not sound so bad after all. We will see how the day goes and whether I am driving him back to the bus station in Hartford or to New Haven for Metro North Train. I am hoping for Hartford, but it will work either way.

Tomorrow I do need to be at work at 6 a.m. to get ready for the Open House event. But I was not assigned any daytime coverage tomorrow at the home, just after work for Monday and Tuesday...We will see how that works with Dad picking up additional coverage hours. After the end of next week, I hope I will have the time and energy to bring a proposal to the AHOS about reconfiguring my job. Not just to support the new parental reality - short or long term as it might be - but also to make my life better and move me forward.

Church is the only thing I missed yesterday on "my list". I think I am going to pass this week. I am off to work this a.m., then to parents' house, then to home and wait for my son to call for pick up. I am completely and totally without direction right now. Sept 30 to Oct 12 - seems forever.